Template:Ileana's Letters/Luca

I have always known I needed you, Luca, from the time I was old enough to know anything at all. There was a reason I was born with a twin: because I was not cut out to handle this world alone.

I suppose always thought that I needed you, but you didn't need me. You were stronger than I was. It's like vines on a wall: if you take the wall away, the vines fall down, but if you take the vines away, the wall is fine.

Where you? Or were you a vine too? Was I your wall? Was Cristi?

I'm sorry Luca. I'm sorry we grew apart. I'm sorry Emelia was my everything, not you. I'm sorry Cristi got a girlfriend and didn't pay enough attention to you. I'm sorry Cristi and I were both so enamored in Emelia we didn't notice what was going on with you. I'm sorry Luca.

You left me, but I left you too, and first. Somewhere around first year.

That was back when Emelia was beyond perfect in my eyes, and I was completely addicted to her. I wanted nothing more than her affection, attention, and approval. I thought she was a genius, and I trusted her completely. And then I started to have a crush on her on top of it all, which made me even more addicted to her, if that's possible.

I know I was completely relying on her by the time Bunicuță and Bunicuț died. I remember that when Tată first told us, and he was crying a little as he said it and he pulled us into a hug and the three of us cried together for a moment. But that's the only time I remember mourning them with you. I went back to school, and I told Emelia, and she held me. Through the whole period, it was always her I turned to, not you. At some point around the, I starting thinking of her as my sister, as if I could just name someone my sister.

When we were little, you were my everything. My brother, my best friend, my partner in crime, the most important person in my world. Everything.

Remember when we were around 4, and we would run around the apartment complex while Mămică was at work? What I remember is how we yelled to each other in our broken Romanian. At the time, I think I just thought of it as talking. Years later, Bunicuț mentioned it once and he said it was like comprehensive baby-talk, more a confusing dialect than a language. He said he thought it was from Mămică not being there and talking to us enough. I know we'd lost it by the time we were 6 — driven away by being spoken to properly by Bunicuță and Bunicuț, I guess. All I remember now is "Fuhiuca!" — "Run!" I have one clear scene in my mind, where we'd gotten caught, or thought we had, and I called out, "Fuhiuca!" and I was laughing and screaming and running.

I know that's old sentimentality. It was inevitable that we grow apart a little when we started school. But I worsened it. I replaced you, and Luca I am so sorry.

She was my best friend, my sister, the most important person in my life. She was my everything. It started the day I met her, and I think had happened by the middle of first year. I know this is too late, and I know it doesn't change anything, and I know it's inadequate, but I'm sorry and I need to at least tell you that.

You gave me in independence when you left. You broke the spell — I was hypnotized by Emelia. You were the snap in front of my face that woke me up. I woke up, and I looked around, and started to see that she wasn't perfect. The way things were weren't perfect. It wasn't even ok. You saw it before the rest of us did. And you got out, exactly like you should have. When you ran, you left the door open behind you; you made me think and see.

I hurt so much when you left. For months, I woke up in the middle of the night, from dreamless sleep, crying. I would smother my face in my pillow, not wanting to wake Emelia — this I didn't want to share with her. I'd creep outside, and just wail. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. Once I seriously wondered, "Is this the end? Is this how I die?" I couldn't stop sobbing or shaking, and no matter how much I gasped I couldn't get enough air, and it felt like I was choking to death on my sorrows.

I was angry and hurt for a long time. You were the one person I was sure would never leave me, and then you did. I felt so betrayed and abandoned. The fact that you left me behind was hell. But that probably has more to do with Mămică than it does with you.

Time has brushed away my emotions, letting me see more clearly. You were right to leave, and now I think I understand why you did. Likely I'm wrong, and that's ok too. It was the best thing to do, and if you came to that conclusion some other way, that's ok: it was still the best thing to do.

Cristi was always the friend I was least close too. I still reckon him one of the dearest friends I've ever had, because of our group, but the truth was I never knew him that well. You and I'd lived together all our lives, and Emelia was my roommate and so I lived with her for years. Cristi I never had anything like that with. And I wish I'd known him better — him personally; not your roommate or Emelia's boyfriend, but really him, Cristi Kogălniceanu — and I've had time now to think on that, but we can talk about that some other time because that isn't the point right now. The point right now is that I always thought you and Emelia had a distance similar to the one Cristi and I had. (Is that why you spoke to her last, after you vanished? Was it easier than facing me or Cristi?)

Cristi and I were so enamored with Emelia that we drew away from you. Not on purpose, but subconsciously — because we have only so much time, so much focus — and the attention we gave her subtracted from the attention we once gave you. Slowly at first, but over time I suspect it built up. I know we ignored you.

I know Emelia was your friend too. But I think you weren't as prone to the addiction as us. Perhaps you're just stronger than me, like I've always thought. You could resist the power of the ring.

And I'm not blaming Emelia. She wasn't scheming to do this. It just kind of happened, largely because of weakness on my part. I was young. Her shiny knives and flashy plans left me wide-eyed. The addiction was my fault, not hers.

But at any rate, Cristi and I were addicted, and at the same time, we got older and things at the school changed.

Rasskazov tried to warn us, to protect us from ourselves. And as for you, I really think he did. He woke you up. You, because you were the least addicted. You, because we'd been neglecting you, and that helped you see straight. You, because you've always been strong.

He expelled you, yes, but you were the one who chose to leave. You could've stayed around, and let the whirlpool suck you down too, but you didn't.

You were smart enough to get out before it was too late. You saw the bad side of things, and you ran. I should never have blamed you for that. When I saw it, I wanted to run too.

When I first saw the truth, I waited, trying to talk myself into going or staying or… something. I didn't want to believe it, and I didn't want to leave Emelia and Cristi, and so I spent even longer, waiting and thinking about leaving, but not doing it. It wasn't until the school was falling that I was able to make myself run.

We're all responsible for ourselves. It wasn't your job to get me out, and it wasn't my job to get Emelia out. Trying to do so was a fallacy, and very nearly destroyed me.

You were an asshole about it, I won't pretend otherwise. Seriously Luca, break up with your own girlfriend, don't leave that job to Emelia who in turn dumps it on me. But for that, I can easily forgive you. We're all human and imperfect, and assholey breakups are common. And I'll admit that I do appreciate that you asked Emelia to tell Val, not me.

I did get out, in the end. I left on what I'm sure was one of the last few days. It was frenzied, and there was this panic gripping me, and I felt like a scared animal. I just ran. When I finally ran, I didn't think or fret about it. I just ran. I ended up taking Kadnikov's bastard with me. He wanted to get her out, and I was going, so I took her with me. She's eight. I'll tell you about her some other time.

I hope you're ok, wherever you are. I hope that the new friends you said you were going to join were the right people for you. I hope you get all the awesomeness you deserve in life.

Perhaps I am not cut out to handle this world alone. Whatever. I'll figure it out anyways. I have no natural talent in speaking Russian either, but I'm getting pretty good at it now. With enough practice, you can learn to do anything.

You said you weren't coming back until you were 'at least 18', but I never really believed you'd come back then. And now there's nothing to come back to anyways. All the same, I'm inclined to think we will meet again someday. I'm probably just telling myself what I want to hear, but I think it all the same. If we do cross path again someday Luca, I'm looking forward to it.

-Ileana