Template:Ileana's Letters/Cristi

Cristi,

I don't believe Emelia's story of your death. Things were getting very deranged by that point, and she was losing it. But all the same, I don't think you're still alive.

I don't believe it was my fault, and that's not a burden I can carry. I think it was Brenna, and Emelia, and even you a little bit. But for my part, I am sorry; for everything I did that helped build toward your death, and for everything I didn't do that could have prevented it. I not quite sure what that could've been, but I'm sure there's something.

I think the Aces was like a square: each person was a corner, and each line in a relationship. You and I didn't have a close, direct bond. I lived with Luca my whole childhood, and I lived with Emelia as roommates for many years. You and I never spent that kind of time together. It wasn't until you were already gone that I realized that I never knew you properly. I didn't know you half as well as I would've liked to, nor half as well as you deserved. And I'm not joking Cristi, I mean this sincerely. Of the half-well I did know you, I thought you might like that reference, but even of that I'm not sure.

Because of our group, you'll always be one of the dearest friends I ever had. And you were. I only wish we had been close friends as well.

I know it isn't my place, but I think you were addicted to Emelia. I know I'm an asshole for saying that to a dead boy, but I can't help but really think so. I know I was. I'm not judging you for it, Cristi, but I'm just saying.

And I'm sorry for being addicted to your girlfriend.

I'm not sure if it was Tuesday or Wednesday of the first week of school when I met you. When I came to lunch and saw you were sitting there with her, I felt a flash of jealousy that I still remember. I came over to the table, and I thought maybe Emelia had cast me aside for you, and for a minute I was as scared as I had been on the train platform when school started. And then I met you and everything was fine. I thought you were her boyfriend for almost a day and a half before I figured out you weren't.

That one moment, and after that I was never jealous of you again. I was really jealous of anyone else Emelia showed favor to: Aaron, Kat, Anara, those other girls whose names I can't remember (Siena maybe?) but never you. Not even when you started dating her. You were graced or pardoned somehow. Now that it's all over and you're gone, I want to believe that this meant something; that this was one nice thing I did to you. But in reality, I don't know why I wasn't jealous of you, and I don't know if it means anything anyways.

In the way things played out, you were too much like me. We were both addicted to Emelia (at least I was, and I'm pretty sure you were too). We both supported her, and thus enabled all the shit that went down. We both neglected Luca when he needed us. (I'm mad at you about that. He was your roommate. Something was going on with him, and he needed you; how did you not notice? I know this isn't fair — I was his twin, how did I not notice? — but anger is involuntary and so I'm still kind of angry anyways.)

That you for being there for Emelia. For her sake, I'm really glad that you were. She deserved someone as good as you, and you deserved someone better than her.

I think you might be the most noble person I've ever known, Cristi. You were loyal — actually loyal. I'm working on that one. I always thought I was — I prided myself for it — but I'm not, not really.

I think I'm going to found an island hamlet where people can reconverge. Maybe I'll build a building there and dedicate it to you. A little plaque, something like:

For Cristi Kogălniceanu, a genuinely decent person.

May we all be more like him.

I'm going to see Eca again sometime soon, I hope. I'll try to do something good for her for you; give her the best I can. I don't know what else I can do for you now, Cristi.

Bye. I'm sorry I never got a chance to say goodbye before you died. Thanks for everything you did and everything you were. I love you.

♥ Ileana